ok, now for the erm non-narration part?
the week has been relatively ok. not as in the papers were very easy and i could do everything or something. on the contrary, i don't think i will do well cuz i didn't study hard enough. but that's not the point. somehow throughout the week, i feel quite happy. like happy studying, happy doing the paper itself. i know that i don't know much and that there'll be a large chunk that i won't know how to do but i really wasn't nervous or scared or something. in fact, i felt quite at peace. I choose to think that it's cuz of God's help. That He's there to see me through the papers.
Why do I say I choose to think. it's cuz I really dunno. I dunno how to differentiate whether it's cuz God is doing something or cuz I am doing something. Is there even such a thing abt me doing something in the first place? or is everything by God? I'm rather confused. It's like you should always trust God right, it doesn't mean that you rely on God on everything, that you just wait for answers and don't do any thinking on your own right? But how to know to what extent. cuz if you try to think too hard, you'll end up sort of 'not trusting God' cuz everything you do is on your own. does it work this way?
i somehow have this feeling that i can try my very best in whatever i want to, but i still dunno if that's what God wants me to do. like even if i do well in the things i do, 'well' is quite defined by myself. Do your best and leave the rest up to God? There's this tendency that when you do your best, you think it's enough so maybe whether God does anything or not, it doesn't really bother you. I really don't know. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I'm confusing myself. I don't even want to give opinions now, cuz I am very unsure of myself. And maybe the fact that I'm thinking abt all these just mean that I don't know God well enough.