his love endures forever;

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Ok, I know Calvin will definitely say that I'm emoing again. I also dun know if it's counted but just want to let some stuff out. Haiz... actually I also dun know what happened that made me feel like that. I guess it's a combination of a lot of small stuff. Cuz some of these stuff are actually none of my business but it just affects me somehow.

Ok, talk about church first. Seems like some people are not very happy lah. Not very happy as in sad. For some I know what happened but for the others I really have no clue about it. Whatever it is, it's making me sort of emo too. I also dun know why. Guess I'm just easily affected by the moods of other people, especially people that I care about. I can't really understand how some people think. But maybe people just have these kind of moods now and then. I think I have them too. But it's not that bad. And I'm not very good at comforting people so I dun know how to help them, or cheer them up. However, sometimes, it's really tiring to keep caring about people. Thinking abt how they are, whether they're emoing or not, trying ot make them feel better when I have no clue as to how to go abt doing it. And when sometimes it's my fault, I feel even worse.

Ya, then went church today. For the past few days, I've been praying quite a lot and I think that God has been answering my prayers. But somehow or rather, I just feel kind of far from God today. I think I'm not being a 'good christian' also. How come I just dun seem to want to listen to God's word? During the sermon, I wasn't really listening. During cell, we just seem to rush through the entire thing. Ya, we had lots of fun and cell was rather interesting. But isn't the point of cell to have bible study? To learn God's word? If we just rush through the whole thing, what's the point of having cell? I feel that it's somehow my fault too.

Another thing. I really dun know how to judge myself and my time. Mummy and daddy think that I go out quite a lot. I dun know exactly how much I'm allowed to go out. Maybe it's quite a lot. But I want to go out, especially like since after we got to know people better during youth camp. The rest of them seem to be able to go out quite a lot. Dunno if it's my parents who are strict or what. Even if they're strict, I know that it's good for me lah. And maybe, I'm really going out too much. And cuz of that, they dun allow me to go out. Then when they do that, I tell people that my parents dun allow me to go out and sort of make them out to be the bad people. It's like rather wrong of me. Cuz it's not their fault. They have a right to not let me go out. But cuz of me, I think a lot of people now think that they're very strict and stuff. And it's all my fault.

Haiz... dunno what I'm talking abt. Dun seem to make sense. There are a lot of things that I'm quite confused about. I'm actually sort of hoping the same thing as my sister: that my life would go back to what it used to be before youth camp. There'll be no wanting to go out and disagreeing with my parents over it. There'll be nobody to worry about cuz even if they emo, it's none of my business. There'll be no cell or cell members to think about cuz I most probably won't be there at all. But there's no turning back. Youth camp has indeed changed my life. It has made my life somehow happier but more confusing. Whether the change is good or bad, I really can't decide now.

Sorry people if I make u worry abt me or anything. I'm just letting stuff out. I'll be ok tmr. Really. Trust me.

trumpets forever - 8:15 PM :)